Phone calls get out of hand

Hey, I am usually pretty easy to get along with, but I have my limits. Now my wife thinks I have a girlfriend and I have changed my name to Phil. Our mystery caller usually rings me up around between two and three in the afternoon, right in the middle of my nappy time.
"Is Phil there." she asks in her distinctive gravely voice.
I calmly tell her that Phil doesn't live here and has never lived here, will not live here in the future and has no intention of answering at this number ever.
"Tell him to call me back." she responds, hanging up quickly.
I decide to check my voice mail, just see if she has totally clogged it up again. Good news! Only four messages from her. Most are filled with mild obscenities, venting her frustration at not being able to reach Phil. This has been going on for months now and it is starting to get on my last nerve.
An hour later she calls again.
"I am sorry ." I reply. "But Phil is dead."
"What!!!" she exclaims, almost breaking down.
Now I finally have her attention.
"O.K. I am going to explain this just one more time. You have the wrong number. This is not Phil's number. Please erase it from your speed dial, your phone book, your quick call list and anywhere else you might have it written down."
"I have never called this number, ever, not even once." This is her usual ploy, but her voice gives her away.
"Mam, I have tried to be polite, but if you call just one more time, I will call the police, the phone company, my lawyer and everybody I can think of to get you to quit calling."
"O.K, I will never call you again." she promises.
Ten minutes later the phone rings. Guess who?
No, It is Phil. He apologizes profusely for her and gives me his number. One number is different. An 0 instead of a 1. I explain my frustration and let him know that she only has one chance left.
An hour later she calls again.
"Hey, Phil, did you talk to the whacko?" she growls.
"I am the whacko." big pause, then click.
An hour later, after talking to the phone company and the police, I am happily typing away on the police website filing a report. I call Phil and let him know to expect a call from the cops any day now.
Well, I haven't heard much from her since and I have been able to convince my wife that I am not having an affair, so we will just have to see what the cops come up with. Stand by for news!

Perseid meteor shower leads to sparks on earth

Years ago I became a big fan of the Perseid meteor showers. Every year I would drive up into the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains and spread a blanket and enjoy the light show. Then I got divorced. The show is not so much fun solo, so I began the search for a viewing mate. Hey, I thought, this could make a great date! It had everything going for it. The excursion would be a) Cheap, b) in the dark, c) require lying down on a blanket, d) involve lots of oohing and ahhing. Looked like a perfect plan to me. The only hitch was finding a partner that would fall for it.
I had my eye on a verrrrrrry cute young lady named Rebecca. The problem, she thought, was that she was too young. (Or was it that I was toooooooo old.) A twelve year difference didn't seem like so much of an obstacle to me, but for her it was a big deal. When I ran into her at a church choir practice I launched my evil plan. I cornered her in the kitchen and began my patented spiel on the beauty of the showers, lamenting that I had nobody to share them with.
"Well you haven't asked me." she replied, batting her long lashes and smiling with that come hither sort of look.
"Would you like to join me tomorrow night?" I implored, hoping desperately that she would accept.
"No." she replied curtly, still smiling and batting her baby blue eyes.
"You are way too old for me, and besides, you know I have a boyfriend."
Shot down cold! I had no comeback. I had to try to smile, but all I could manage is to make some lame excuse and walk away. Talk about cold blooded!
Not be totally deterred from my plan, I talked one of her best friends into going with me. However the blanket never made it out of the trunk and Paula and I sat on the hood of my car to watch the star show. That was it, we just watched the show. It was a great show, but no sparks.
A couple of months later, Rebecca asked her boyfriend to marry her and he said no way. She called me that very day to let me know that she was available and needed a ride to a church activity that night. That was eleven years ago and the rest is, as they say, History. We have been married over ten years now and we still like to watch the big show every August. But, and trust me on this one, that's not the only time of year that the sparks fly.

(just a few facts)

The Mongo Beast Howls for Mom

Big smoopie dog's pedigree remains mystery

Mongo the dog beast has created a whirlwind of controversy over his dubious pedigree.
"Everybody asks, but we really don't know for sure what kind of dog he is." his owner stated. "As far as we can tell he seems to be a Mongolian Badger Hound. That's our story and we're sticking to it."
Extensive research however, has failed to definitively to peg the dog's breed.
"First we looked in all the AKC stud books, he wasn't there. We even checked out the Big Book of Dogs, no luck. Then, because he is such a beast we perused all of the medieval beasteries we could nail down. He wasn't there. We think that we think we may have found him though in the book of Revelation."
Further research is ongoing.

Light rail laser linked to ankle cancer

Sacramento Rapid Transit officials refused to comment on the new allegations that sprang up this week that the laser detectors on the steps of their light rail trains may be linked to cancerous growths on the ankles of frequent riders of the system. Dr. Chaladra Prassad made the allegations last Tuesday in a meeting of oncology professionals at a mid-town hotel. "This is a serious problem, and has to be seriously and professionally investigated." the Doctor was quoted as saying. Dr. Prassad went on to explain that if the lasers that detect if a person is standing on the step and thereby blocking a open door on the train car, are set too high, a person standing in the doorway for an extended period of time over many days can retain a high enough dose of radiation that may be able to mutate cells in the tissues in the riders ankle thereby causing cancer.
"The problem is not limited to just Sacramento." one participant in the conference said. "Siemens, the maker of the trains has similar cars in cities across the U.S. and Canada." Officials in Charlotte NC would not go on the record but seemed concerned when told of the problem. One person would admit that they plan to install sixteen of the Siemens S70 light rail vehicles in the near future, becoming the tenth city to adopt the allegedly defective cars.

Rock phone number is center of trivia controversy

If you want to test someone to see if they were really alive in the eighties, only one trivia question will suffice. That question is: "What is Jenny's phone number"
Most amateur trivia buffs jump in immediately with the wrong answer. I bet even a bright person like you gave it a few minutes of thought, and after humming a few bars of the famous Blink 182 tune (or the Tommy Tutone original) and came up with "eight six seven five three oh nine". Am I right or am I right.
Well if you did you would be dead WRONG! Not many people can pass this one on a written test. It is easer on a verbal quiz, but even then most folks screw it up on the first couple of tries. Singing helps. Try it a few times. If you still can't come up with the right answer dig out the CD or download it and listen closely.
I am sure you will come to discover that the final answer is: (and don't look if you don't want to spoil it) eight six seven five three oh nieeinne!

(the lyrics)

Car threatened by fiery death

The white Toyota Camery sat by the side of the road near the canal while grey smoke and ash wafted overhead.
"Where are my *&^( owners." she growled.
For three days now, the fire trucks had been rumbling past; back and forth on the way to the wildfire that kept advancing up the canyon and now reached the edge of the plateau. Only a mile or so of tender dry pine, oak and manzanita separated the frightened compact car from the raging fire beast.
"They will come for me soon. " she whimpered .
"They just have to. I don't want to die with my gas tank exploding and melting me to a rusted iron hulk."
She had seen others that had met that awful fate sitting by the side of the railroad tracks. Black smoke and soot was belching from all of their windows and doors. Plastic and rubber had melted into molten pools around their tires. It had been an wretched site. A fate that no good car deserved.
And she had been a good car, except for the time when she blew a rod right through her block while racing down that long hill on the way to work. It was the worst pain that she had ever experienced, but uncle Darrell had replaced her engine and she was better than new. Now if she could find a way to get that pesky check engine light to go off, she could totally relax.
Her name was Tuzy and she started life in the care of an elderly couple. Now she was owned by a wild woman that liked to race her around at break-neck speeds. She liked to go fast especially when the monster dog beast stuffed his head out the back window and drooled all over her rear quarter panel. She also loved the long trips across the desert and over the scenic Sierra Nevada mountains. She thought she was going to go on this trip too, but just as they got all the camping stuff piled up on the front lawn and got ready to go, they drove her up to the mountains and traded her in on uncle Darrell's long-bed pick-up.
When the fire started there was no time to find the woman, so some stranger quickly drove her to the big lot next to the canal and just abandoned her with the doors unlocked and the key stuffed into the map pocket. A kindly old sheriff had checked her over a couple of times. She could almost see the roadblock from where she was parked.
"Why don't they come for me." she whined trying in vain to turn on the radio to get some news.
It was almost dark when she recognized the throaty rumble of the blue pickup.
"Here they come." she cried. Her antenna quivering in the wind with excitement.
"I am saved" she yelled at the top of her muffler as the woman turned the key and fired her up.
The trip down the hill was the happiest moment of her life. The radio was tuned to the news channel and was finally giving her and update. It had been a close call, but it looked like the brave fire crews had saved all but one house and a few out buildings. Six firefighters had been injured, two of them seriously. Over nine hundred acres had been scorched, mostly brush and scrub oak.
As she pulled into her driveway she saw the kids and the dog beast and the duckies and knew things would turn out great.

(a bit closer to the truth)

New page opens and changes the face of the web

Well, here it is, in all it's glory. I just know you have been wating with baited breath to see the unvieling of this earth shattering web experience. I hope in days to come to shock everyone on the planet into the realization that this is the only place on the net to get the true real positively only TRUTH on the entire web. (o.k. I'm a bit manic today; live with it.)